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Dismas
Indeed! Here is Jesus, just another false messiah; Jerusalem certainly saw its share of those. One more magician revealed as a bad illusionist, who had no power to save himself when it mattered. It's not even like the thief was a part of a culture that might root for the underdog (as we do, because God showed us that sometimes the underdog is secretly God); Scriptural evidence notwithstanding, the Jews did not picture their Messiah dying. The Messiah was about kicking the Roman's butts, not about getting crucified by them. Yet Dismas somehow ignores everything hat is screamingly obvious by any normal standard, and believes that this dying and shamed man next to him is somehow going to come back as the King. That is faith.
My Own Context
Now think for a moment about what is screamingly obvious by normal standards in your own life. For me, it's about this job thing. Ken has been out of work for over half a year now. All the outer appearances of our life point to the hopelessness of the situation. Unemployment is crazy high; even the optimistic people who talk about an economic recovery say things like "jobless recovery", and I've heard from a variety of sources about how the 'real' level of unemployment is nearly double the official rate. Things look particularly bad in his field; any job postings in the accounting field are asking for four-year degrees, and his is only a two-year. Because of the tight competition, companies can hire accountants with more schooling and experience for the same wages that Ken might have gotten two years ago; this has drastically reduced opportunities that he's eligible for. And, of course, he has an ankle injury that keeps him from being able to stand for very long, so it's not like he can pick up a job at McDonald's or Microchip Manufacturing in the meantime, until the economy picks back up again.
Where is God in this situation? By normal worldly standards, it looks like he's either abandoned us (perhaps because of some failing on our part), or else he is simply powerless to help (perhaps because jobs depend on human free will).
But you know what? I'm with Dismas on this one. I don't care what things look like, what they appear to be. God is in charge, and he's taking care of us.
The Logic of Faith
Why am I so sure? Well, for one thing, this has happened before.
Earliesh in 2008, Ken had gotten laid off from his job. Soon after, I prayed for him to find another job with a couple people in my prayer group. I had a feeling while we prayed that God would answer that prayer. I could have ignored that feeling; I often have ignored similar feelings because I'm not confident that they're reliable. This time, though, I decided to trust that my feeling was right, that God did mean to answer my prayer and get Ken a job. Months wound by. Whenever I started to doubt again, something would happen, someone would say something or I'd read something in the Bible, that would remind me to keep trusting. In September, Ken did find a job, one that was clearly an answer to our prayers in several ways, and my trust was vindicated.
I thought and felt throughout that experience that God was teaching me to trust him, a lesson I certainly needed to learn, and one that I thought would come in handy later in life. In fact, I rather thought I was done learning the lesson. But now I find that, not only am I getting more practice in trusting God, but that he is adding new dimensions onto it.
Not long after Ken got laid off this last time, I had to buy laundry detergent. I buy the great big boxes of dry detergent; they last forever. I was worrying a little at the time about how to organize our finances to make our meagre reserves last as long as possible. I thought to myself that at least I didn't need to worry about buying another thing of laundry detergent. In my mind there simply was NO way that we would still be able to pay our bills long enough for us to use up that box of laundry detergent. I thought that God would *have* to provide Ken with a job before then. Unemployment usually pays us nearly $250 a month less than what we need for our fixed bills; I figured our savings could make up the difference for 2 to 3 months, no more. And that wasn't counting non-fixed bills, things like toilet paper or aluminum foil or dish soap.
I think that was last May. The first weekend of January, we bought another box of laundry detergent; I used up the last couple scoopfuls of the old box that week. In the last month or so leading up to that, I started thinking that God was keeping us going this long just to teach me not to put limits on his providence, as I had. Well, God - lesson learned. You can let Ken get a job now. ;) Truly, though, it has simply been amazing to me the way that every month we have somehow had just enough to get us by. Our savings did run out within a few months, yet somehow each month we have had just enough to get us by for that month, and no more.
Normal human reasoning said we wouldn't get by for more than a couple months without Ken or I working. But we did get by. This is the logic of my life, and the logic of Dismas. My own experiences are testimony to the truth and faithfulness of God. And there is one more thing, too, that is for me a testimony that I am right to trust God; and that thing is the spiritual effect it has on me to do so.
The Lightness of Trust
I once saw a woman write (in a comment on a blog) that she did not understand Jesus' words, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden light" [Mt 11:30], because in her experience even good Christians had very heavy burdens to bear in their lives. At the time, I could think of nothing to say. Later, though, I wished I could have told her the story of what it was like for me to trust God when Ken was unemployed in 2008.
One thing that really struck me during that time was not just that my trust was vindicated in the end. It was the difference that that trust made in my life. As long as I held on to my trust in God, I was light inside. People would sympathize when they heard, and say things like "oh, that's so hard", and I would think, "no, not really". It was easy, because I knew that Ken was going to get a job. I had never experienced anything like that before. That lightness ran so deep sometimes that it reassured me that God's truth is deeper than the appearances of the world. Doubting thoughts and negative feelings ran through me all the time, but I saw them as coming at me from outside. Only when I started to let them have a hold on me, to believe that the doubts or feelings were real, only then did I feel weighed down and overwhelmed by how desperate our situation seemed.
The Lies of the Enemy
One of the most helpful pieces of advice that I have heard about discerning what God is telling you is that God's voice is never harsh. That has applied heavily to this situation, too. Those doubting thoughts and negative feelings that I mentioned - those come from Satan, in one way or another. God gently tells me that no, I don't get to buy the things I want to buy. Satan tells me that I will never be able to endure not having that set of shelves for the kids' room; I might as well wallow in misery because the clutter will never be overcome. God tells me not to go drive to my friends' houses that live farther away, because it's not practical at this time. The Accuser whispers in my ear that all my friendships will be forever ruined by this. God tells me that I must wait patiently and in trust for Ken to get a job. The Enemy screams in my subconscious that God is lying and I might as well despair because I'm just being foolish and God will not rescue us and I have only my own inadequate self to rely on, and we will be ruined.
No wonder that accepting these things makes me feel heavy! The difficult circumstances of my life can be borne. The lies that accompany them cannot. Satan's accusations are simply unbearable.
It has taken a lot of steady self-examination for me to even discover these things that I have believed without realizing it. It has taken a lot of prayer and surrender to God and His grace given to me before I started to reject them. Even now, if I'm hormonal or tired, I usually fail to push those lies away.
Feelings vs Action
I talk about the lightness that came to me when I trusted God and the heaviness from believing the Enemy's lies. But I don't want you to get the impression that life is all about feelings or that you have to feel good if you're following God the right way. I have all sorts of emotions pass through me all the time. Anxiety, anger, sadness. Today I've cried about what happened in Haiti; I cried when I read in a book a scene about seeing off American military, some of whom don't return; and I think I'm about to cry again about a friend's ectopic pregnancy. When I found out that Elijah probably had celiac disease, even though I repeatedly felt God reassuring me that He would heal Elijah, I still felt like I had been punched in the stomach. What matters is not what I feel, but what I do with what I feel. I can let the feelings lead me deeper into despair, or I can accept that God is with me, and with all of those others, despite the appearance, and despite what I feel, and act on that belief. [There's a good reflection on that theme here.] With Ken's job, like with Elijah & celiac disease, there are times where I realize how deep my concern goes, and I am learning to accept that this is not incompatible with a real faith. It's just the way things are.
There are other, more shallow negative feelings, too. The shallower, more external ones I think I am generally called to shrug off as best I can. (These are the ones that most feel like they are coming from outside me or from my body, rather than from deep in my soul.) Like, for instance, the feeling of resentment that I can't buy what I want to buy. If I have to give up many things I want while waiting for God to provide a job for Ken, well then, that is another good lesson that He's teaching me - a lesson in detachment from the world.
Detachment
After all, Paul writes:
Paul says we can be content with only food and clothing; he doesn't even include a safe, warm place to live, not having to eat the same thing every day, a soft mattress to sleep on, and so on - luxuries I still have. If I think I need to have dish soap and clean clothes and toothpaste - as if my deepest core depends on it in some existential way - then when I don't have money for it, I will indeed be "pierced ... with many griefs", because I will think my fundamental existence is at stake. (I'm not even quite to that point yet; I ran out of laundry money at the end of last month, but not out of clean clothes, before the 1st came and more money with it. See how God takes care of us?)
Ultimately, this line of thinking can be taken to its end. Yesterday was the 16th anniversary of my mom's death; and I'm sure there will be other people very close to me who I will lose. Yet, as Abraham did not need to keep Isaac for himself, there is no one whom I cannot allow God to take from me. I don't even need to insist on keeping my own life, any more than Jesus needed to. This is not an emotional detachment, not a withholding of fierce love for my family, my friends, and my life. But it is a subordination of that love and that attachment to what should be an even fiercer love for God. Trusting him means accepting that anything he asks of me, will not destroy me, but will bring me life, if I let it.
Even if my heart feels like it's breaking. Even if the appearance of the world screams not to trust Him.
Turning to Jesus he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."
Jesus replied, "Truly, you will be with me today in paradise."
One of the criminals hanging with Jesus insulted him, "So you are the Messiah? Save yourself and us as well!" But the other rebuked him, saying, "Have you no fear of God, you who received the same sentence as he did? For us it is just: this is payment for what we have done. But this man has done nothing wrong." Turning to Jesus he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." Jesus replied, "Truly, you will be with me today in paradise." [Luke 23:39-43]
This is a fairly well known passage. Tradition calls this good thief Saint Dismas. Recently I came across an article relating to him, and the following passage really struck me.The scene is dramatic, to say the least. It is not easy for a dying man to believe that he can be saved by the helpless individual being crucified next to him. The depth of his conviction becomes more real to us when we bring to mind that others had failed to believe in Jesus, even while he was energetically performing miracles in their midst! [Source]
Indeed! Here is Jesus, just another false messiah; Jerusalem certainly saw its share of those. One more magician revealed as a bad illusionist, who had no power to save himself when it mattered. It's not even like the thief was a part of a culture that might root for the underdog (as we do, because God showed us that sometimes the underdog is secretly God); Scriptural evidence notwithstanding, the Jews did not picture their Messiah dying. The Messiah was about kicking the Roman's butts, not about getting crucified by them. Yet Dismas somehow ignores everything hat is screamingly obvious by any normal standard, and believes that this dying and shamed man next to him is somehow going to come back as the King. That is faith.
My Own Context
Now think for a moment about what is screamingly obvious by normal standards in your own life. For me, it's about this job thing. Ken has been out of work for over half a year now. All the outer appearances of our life point to the hopelessness of the situation. Unemployment is crazy high; even the optimistic people who talk about an economic recovery say things like "jobless recovery", and I've heard from a variety of sources about how the 'real' level of unemployment is nearly double the official rate. Things look particularly bad in his field; any job postings in the accounting field are asking for four-year degrees, and his is only a two-year. Because of the tight competition, companies can hire accountants with more schooling and experience for the same wages that Ken might have gotten two years ago; this has drastically reduced opportunities that he's eligible for. And, of course, he has an ankle injury that keeps him from being able to stand for very long, so it's not like he can pick up a job at McDonald's or Microchip Manufacturing in the meantime, until the economy picks back up again.
Where is God in this situation? By normal worldly standards, it looks like he's either abandoned us (perhaps because of some failing on our part), or else he is simply powerless to help (perhaps because jobs depend on human free will).
But you know what? I'm with Dismas on this one. I don't care what things look like, what they appear to be. God is in charge, and he's taking care of us.
The Logic of Faith
Why am I so sure? Well, for one thing, this has happened before.
Earliesh in 2008, Ken had gotten laid off from his job. Soon after, I prayed for him to find another job with a couple people in my prayer group. I had a feeling while we prayed that God would answer that prayer. I could have ignored that feeling; I often have ignored similar feelings because I'm not confident that they're reliable. This time, though, I decided to trust that my feeling was right, that God did mean to answer my prayer and get Ken a job. Months wound by. Whenever I started to doubt again, something would happen, someone would say something or I'd read something in the Bible, that would remind me to keep trusting. In September, Ken did find a job, one that was clearly an answer to our prayers in several ways, and my trust was vindicated.
I thought and felt throughout that experience that God was teaching me to trust him, a lesson I certainly needed to learn, and one that I thought would come in handy later in life. In fact, I rather thought I was done learning the lesson. But now I find that, not only am I getting more practice in trusting God, but that he is adding new dimensions onto it.
Not long after Ken got laid off this last time, I had to buy laundry detergent. I buy the great big boxes of dry detergent; they last forever. I was worrying a little at the time about how to organize our finances to make our meagre reserves last as long as possible. I thought to myself that at least I didn't need to worry about buying another thing of laundry detergent. In my mind there simply was NO way that we would still be able to pay our bills long enough for us to use up that box of laundry detergent. I thought that God would *have* to provide Ken with a job before then. Unemployment usually pays us nearly $250 a month less than what we need for our fixed bills; I figured our savings could make up the difference for 2 to 3 months, no more. And that wasn't counting non-fixed bills, things like toilet paper or aluminum foil or dish soap.
I think that was last May. The first weekend of January, we bought another box of laundry detergent; I used up the last couple scoopfuls of the old box that week. In the last month or so leading up to that, I started thinking that God was keeping us going this long just to teach me not to put limits on his providence, as I had. Well, God - lesson learned. You can let Ken get a job now. ;) Truly, though, it has simply been amazing to me the way that every month we have somehow had just enough to get us by. Our savings did run out within a few months, yet somehow each month we have had just enough to get us by for that month, and no more.
Normal human reasoning said we wouldn't get by for more than a couple months without Ken or I working. But we did get by. This is the logic of my life, and the logic of Dismas. My own experiences are testimony to the truth and faithfulness of God. And there is one more thing, too, that is for me a testimony that I am right to trust God; and that thing is the spiritual effect it has on me to do so.
The Lightness of Trust
I once saw a woman write (in a comment on a blog) that she did not understand Jesus' words, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden light" [Mt 11:30], because in her experience even good Christians had very heavy burdens to bear in their lives. At the time, I could think of nothing to say. Later, though, I wished I could have told her the story of what it was like for me to trust God when Ken was unemployed in 2008.
One thing that really struck me during that time was not just that my trust was vindicated in the end. It was the difference that that trust made in my life. As long as I held on to my trust in God, I was light inside. People would sympathize when they heard, and say things like "oh, that's so hard", and I would think, "no, not really". It was easy, because I knew that Ken was going to get a job. I had never experienced anything like that before. That lightness ran so deep sometimes that it reassured me that God's truth is deeper than the appearances of the world. Doubting thoughts and negative feelings ran through me all the time, but I saw them as coming at me from outside. Only when I started to let them have a hold on me, to believe that the doubts or feelings were real, only then did I feel weighed down and overwhelmed by how desperate our situation seemed.
The Lies of the Enemy
One of the most helpful pieces of advice that I have heard about discerning what God is telling you is that God's voice is never harsh. That has applied heavily to this situation, too. Those doubting thoughts and negative feelings that I mentioned - those come from Satan, in one way or another. God gently tells me that no, I don't get to buy the things I want to buy. Satan tells me that I will never be able to endure not having that set of shelves for the kids' room; I might as well wallow in misery because the clutter will never be overcome. God tells me not to go drive to my friends' houses that live farther away, because it's not practical at this time. The Accuser whispers in my ear that all my friendships will be forever ruined by this. God tells me that I must wait patiently and in trust for Ken to get a job. The Enemy screams in my subconscious that God is lying and I might as well despair because I'm just being foolish and God will not rescue us and I have only my own inadequate self to rely on, and we will be ruined.
No wonder that accepting these things makes me feel heavy! The difficult circumstances of my life can be borne. The lies that accompany them cannot. Satan's accusations are simply unbearable.
It has taken a lot of steady self-examination for me to even discover these things that I have believed without realizing it. It has taken a lot of prayer and surrender to God and His grace given to me before I started to reject them. Even now, if I'm hormonal or tired, I usually fail to push those lies away.
Feelings vs Action
I talk about the lightness that came to me when I trusted God and the heaviness from believing the Enemy's lies. But I don't want you to get the impression that life is all about feelings or that you have to feel good if you're following God the right way. I have all sorts of emotions pass through me all the time. Anxiety, anger, sadness. Today I've cried about what happened in Haiti; I cried when I read in a book a scene about seeing off American military, some of whom don't return; and I think I'm about to cry again about a friend's ectopic pregnancy. When I found out that Elijah probably had celiac disease, even though I repeatedly felt God reassuring me that He would heal Elijah, I still felt like I had been punched in the stomach. What matters is not what I feel, but what I do with what I feel. I can let the feelings lead me deeper into despair, or I can accept that God is with me, and with all of those others, despite the appearance, and despite what I feel, and act on that belief. [There's a good reflection on that theme here.] With Ken's job, like with Elijah & celiac disease, there are times where I realize how deep my concern goes, and I am learning to accept that this is not incompatible with a real faith. It's just the way things are.
There are other, more shallow negative feelings, too. The shallower, more external ones I think I am generally called to shrug off as best I can. (These are the ones that most feel like they are coming from outside me or from my body, rather than from deep in my soul.) Like, for instance, the feeling of resentment that I can't buy what I want to buy. If I have to give up many things I want while waiting for God to provide a job for Ken, well then, that is another good lesson that He's teaching me - a lesson in detachment from the world.
Detachment
After all, Paul writes:
But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. [1 Timothy 6:6-10]
Paul says we can be content with only food and clothing; he doesn't even include a safe, warm place to live, not having to eat the same thing every day, a soft mattress to sleep on, and so on - luxuries I still have. If I think I need to have dish soap and clean clothes and toothpaste - as if my deepest core depends on it in some existential way - then when I don't have money for it, I will indeed be "pierced ... with many griefs", because I will think my fundamental existence is at stake. (I'm not even quite to that point yet; I ran out of laundry money at the end of last month, but not out of clean clothes, before the 1st came and more money with it. See how God takes care of us?)
Ultimately, this line of thinking can be taken to its end. Yesterday was the 16th anniversary of my mom's death; and I'm sure there will be other people very close to me who I will lose. Yet, as Abraham did not need to keep Isaac for himself, there is no one whom I cannot allow God to take from me. I don't even need to insist on keeping my own life, any more than Jesus needed to. This is not an emotional detachment, not a withholding of fierce love for my family, my friends, and my life. But it is a subordination of that love and that attachment to what should be an even fiercer love for God. Trusting him means accepting that anything he asks of me, will not destroy me, but will bring me life, if I let it.
Even if my heart feels like it's breaking. Even if the appearance of the world screams not to trust Him.
Turning to Jesus he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."
Jesus replied, "Truly, you will be with me today in paradise."
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